Tag Archives: They Live

Top Ten: Movie Fight Scenes

Violence is a funny thing. Few of us actually enjoy participating in it, but most of us will at some point thoroughly enjoy watching it in a movie. Ah, the magical catharsis of cinema!

The movies are replete with scenes of battle. Fight scenes are the meat and potatoes of the action genre, and most thrillers will either end on one or throw a couple in somewhere. Picking only ten was always going to leave this list with a whole heap of contenders unfairly cast aside, but there’s no way I’m going to sit here and write fifty of these bastards.

So here are my favourite ten. For the sake of making the choice easier, I’ve left out battle scenes between entire armies. Perhaps another time. Please feel free to add your own top ten, if you have one, or simply chastise me for omitting your single favourite. Maybe we can settle it outside.

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10. John Smith v Jane Smith

Mr & Mrs Smith (2005)

After five (or six) years of a slowly stagnating marriage, John and Jane Smith discover that not only are they both secret super-assassins, apparently using the marriage as cover, but they are also each others’ next target. Possibly the most contrived set-up in this top ten, but who cares? The resulting gun-play, fist-fight and kitchen utensil carnage as the Smiths (the couple, not the popular 80s band) do bloody battle in their big, suburban house is great fun.

Probably Jennifer Aniston’s favourite movie scene ever, as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie convincingly beat the crap out of each other. I wonder if they’re like this in front of the kids.

And the winner is: There’s make-up sex. Everyone’s a winner with make-up sex!

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9. Channel 4 News Team v Evening News Team v Channel 2 News Team v Public News Team v Spanish Language News Team

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy ( 2004)

Legendary news anchor Ron Burgundy and his team are out on the town, on their way to cheer themselves up by shopping for suits, when they find themselves confronted by several rival teams, all looking to take each other down. In the world of syndicated news broadcasting it’s best to be armed. Clubs, chains, machetes, hand grenades and even tridents can be the divide between life and death. Just don’t touch the hair or the face.

Featuring more cameo appearances than an entire season of Saturday Night Live, the news team street fight proves that even clueless, musky-smelling morons can be heroes.

And the winner is: Burgundy and his Channel 4 News Team are gonna straight up murder your ass.

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8. King Arthur v The Black Knight

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

During his noble quest for the Holy Grail King Arthur encounters the dread Black Knight, guarding a bridge (or a small plank of wood over a pathetic stream). Refusing to allow the King past, a mighty battle ensues. Well, mighty-ish. Actually, it’s just silly.

Arthur severs the Knight’s arms, only to be told that it’s just a scratch as the undeterred Knight then resorts to kicking the King’s ankles. Even having both his legs lobbed off doesn’t dampen this warrior’s ire and Arthur eventually gives up and leaves the wriggling torso of his foe behind, crossing the plank to cries of, ‘Come back here you yellow bastard! I’ll bite your legs off!’

And the winner is: Arthur, of course, although the Black Knight is having none of it. ‘Let’s call it a draw’. Loony.

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7. Ripley v Alien Queen

Alien (1987)

A classic bitch-fight and one of those David and Goliath moments when you know you should put your money on the smallest. Having escaped and nuked the planet LV421, with all its nasty little xenomorphs, Ripley returns to her ship to find a very pissed Queen has hitched a ride and is looking for a rumble. Never one to shy away from an invitation, Ripley grabs a mechanical power loader and gets busy.

Limited by the effects of the time, much of the action is seen only at head height, but it’s still one if the coolest, and most original, brawls in cinema.

And the winner is: I’ll give you three guesses, and since there’s only two participants, if it takes you three guesses you’re a moron.

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6. Léon v Half the NYPD

Léon (1994)

Having seriously pissed off both the Mafia and a corrupt New York cop in his quest to avenge the murder of 12-year-old Mathilda’s entire family, hitman Léon and the girl find themselves besieged in a hotel room with half the city’s police force trying to find a way in. Luc Besson’s perfectly choreographed scene sees the wily Italian allow a group of officers into the room, only to shut the door behind them and take them all out, unseen.

When the door reopens, the next group of hapless cops find themselves face-to-face with the slippery assassin, as he hangs upside down in the doorway. Inspired!

And the winner is: In this particular round, Léon. But give the guy a break, there’s a lot of people out there.

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5. Neo and Trinity v A Small Army

The Matrix (1999)

Keanu Reeves may not be the greatest actor in the world, but at least he looks good running in slow motion with a machine gun. And Neo and Trinity may have stupid names, and rarely crack a smile, but when it comes to tearing up a building lobby full of security guards and a SWAT team, they don’t even have to take off their cumbersome long coats or remove their sunglasses indoors. Oh, to be so cool.

With lots of slow-motion gunfire, running up walls and picking up M16 rifles while performing cartwheels, this was one of the most refreshingly executed fight scenes for years.

And the winner is: Never underestimate people who dress only in black. Neo and Trinity don’t even get a scratch on their sunglasses.

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4. George Nada v Frank Armitage

They Live (1988)

John Carpenter’s last great movie contains a strong contender for the longest fist-fight (outside of a boxing ring) in any movie. Ever.

After discovering that the American elite are all aliens in disguise, controlling a docile population with consumerism and subliminal messages, Nada is understandably keen to share his revelation with someone. Unfortunately, the aliens can only be seen with special sunglasses and George’s co-worker Frank isn’t feeling particularly co-operative. Cue a hilarious, brutal, six-minute brawl in a back alley as George and Frank bludgeon each other to bloody pulps.

And the winner is: Let’s just say Frank ends up wearing the damn glasses.

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3. Indiana Jones v Big Nazi Guy

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

He’s already been through the mill and has a gruelling truck chase to come, but first our intrepid archaeologist has to deal with the imposing Nazi mechanic who stands between him and the Ark-carrying plane. Tired, dusty and visibly fed-up with throwing punches, Jones proceeds to get the shit kicked out of him.

Clearly not a student of Eastern combat philosophy, Jones is a brawler and has no qualms about using wrenches and a little arm-biting in an attempt to overcome the German behemoth. All to no avail. Not even a sudden flurry of professorial jaw-socking is going to slow down this Teutonic brute.

And the winner is: Indiana Jones, with no small help from a whirring propeller blade. Look out, behind yo…never mind.

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2. Yu Shu Lien v Jen Yu

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)

Ang Lee’s sumptuous epic features a whole bunch of fantastic fight scenes, but the greatest is the lengthy dust-up between Michelle Yeoh’s noble Yu Shu Lien and Zhang Ziyi’s angry young Jen Yu. Jen is armed with the indestructible sword, Green Destiny, and Shu Lien breaks an insane array of different weapons against the sword in an attempt to defeat the petulant child.

The breathtaking scene is so beautifully choreographed it’s more akin to a dance than a battle. And, let’s face it, there’s nothing sexier than watching two graceful women locked in passionate combat. Or is that just me? Whoops.

And the winner is: Jen does a runner eventually, so we’ll give it to Shu Lien by default. Yay!

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1. Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn v Darth Maul

Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (1999)

This is what we turned up for. The single greatest lightsaber fight in the entire franchise. Having sat through two hours of trade disputes, Natalie Portman’s clown make-up, petulant little Anakin’s feeble attempts to endear himself to us, and Jar Jar Bloody Binks, die hard Star Wars fans were treated to this triple-header between Jedi and Sith.

Horny badass Darth Maul takes on two Jedi with the aid of his indescribably cool double-ended sabre. The glowy blades whirl around like the original trilogy’s fight scenes on fast forward. This was the moment when cool got a little bit cooler. Magic!

And the winner is: Having dispatched Jedi Master Qui-Gon, Darth Maul gets his ass handed to him by a mere apprentice. Fail!

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Top Ten: Alien Invasion Movies

Sometimes they are benevolent visitors. Sometimes they come in peace, to aid mankind in our hour of need and help us overcome our struggles. Sometimes. Most of the time, however, they come to kick our ass, steal our resources and breed with our females. Yes, those aliens are rarely here for the good of anyone but themselves. More often than not they are just intergalactic hoodlums and Earth is the bar they choose to pick a fight in. Probably because the human race is so willing to oblige them.

With the recent release of both Monsters (reviewed on this site) and Skyline, the alien invasion movie is enjoying a spell of popularity. So, I tip my hat to the genre and present my list of the ten best it has to offer. Die, alien scum!

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10. Independence Day

1996

Roland Emmerich’s first exercise in monument pounding has arguably some of the worst dialogue in summer blockbuster history, but it more than compensates with its on-screen carnage. These visitors don’t even say hello before calmly giving the planet both barrels. Luckily, our fair globe has three lines of plucky defence. We have Will Smith, to see them all off with his smug wise-cracks. We have Bill Pullman, a US President who doesn’t carry on listening to kids read a story when trouble hits. And we have Jeff Goldblum, who is able to upload a virus to an entire alien computer system using just his laptop and a pair of ‘I Am Super-Smart’ glasses.

Great invasion movie, but if you’re looking for gritty realism and convincing plot developments, look elsewhere.

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9. Signs

2002

The alien invasion movie that doesn’t actually show you the alien invasion. Inspired! Budget friendly! And thanks to the now increasingly dwindling skills of director M. Night Shayalaman, it works beautifully. The invasion itself is set in place as a backdrop to the story of widowed Reverend Mel Gibson’s crisis of faith. The aliens are rarely seen, and their presence on a global scale is made known only through TV broadcasts. It’s a neat approach, and Signs features Gibson’s last great performance before he, too, was invaded by aliens.

Just try to ignore the basic premise that a group of extra-terrestrials who are fatally allergic to water plan to invade a planet which is 70% covered in the stuff. Dumb asses.

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8. Killer Klowns from Outer Space

1988

As dumb as it sounds, but a total hoot from beginning to end. Special effects trio The Chiodo Brothers brought us this singular tale of an American town invaded by aliens who look like…clowns! Yes! Landing in their Big Top shaped spacecraft, the malevolent harlequins set about harvesting the inhabitants for food, cocooning them in cotton candy, liquidising them and then drinking them through huge straws. Armed with such deadly weapons as killer shadow puppets, rabid balloon animals and brightly coloured ray guns, the clowns seem unstoppable. But they have a weakness. A big, red weakness in the middle of their faces.

Sophisticated, high-brow filmmaking this is not, but Killer Klowns from Outer Space has a rare, anarchic imagination.

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7. District 9

2009

The passive alien invasion, and allegory for any race of people who find themselves unwelcome in a foreign land. These aliens come to Johannesburg…and just don’t leave. Segregated into their own ramshackle part of the town and referred to as ‘prawns’ by the indigenous population, they are only a threat in the paranoid imaginations of the humans. Director Neill Blomkamp and lead actor Sharlto Copley deliver a well-observed, cutting, but thoroughly entertaining examination of the human capacity to loathe what it doesn’t understand.

One of the more successful uses of the ‘mockumentary’ style, District 9 is a lot of fun. And the prawns themselves, thanks to New Zealand based FX company Weta, are strangely sympathetic.

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6. Men in Black

1997

Not only are the aliens coming, they’re already here, have been for years and someone needs to keep an eye on them. Cue deadpan veteran Tommy Lee Jones and livepan new recruit Will Smith (yep, him again) as the titular Men in Black. Like the CIA for alien visitors. This is the kind of movie that could have been truly awful, but thanks to the light touch of director Barry Sonnenfeld, his two leads and a fantastic supporting cast, the alien invasion movie has rarely been so much fun.

Playing on popular stories among UFO conspiracy theorists of shadowy government figures, it’s possible the whole project was part of a government plot to hide the true existence of shadowy government figures. And aliens. Probably.

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5. They Live

1988

The first of two from director John Carpenter, They Live was arguably the last of Carpenter’s great movies. Released in 1988, at the end of a decade which celebrated greed and the accumilation of wealth, the movie sees an out-of-work drifter inadvertently discover that the ruling elite of America are aliens. Disguising themselves by manipulating humans through broadcast signals and subliminal messages, the aliens encourage a culture of ruthless aspiration designed to turn humanity upon itself, preparing the way for an easy invasion. Sound far-fetched? No, I didn’t think so either.

Carpenter’s dialogue isn’t always the best, but any movie that contains the line, ‘I have come here to chew bubble-gum and kick ass, and I’m all out of bubble-gum,’ is a winner.

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4. The War of the Worlds

1953

The first movie adaptation of H.G. Wells’ classic book, which in turn was the first piece of alien invasion fiction, Byron Haskin’s movie deviated greatly from the source material. Out went the tripod machines, replaced by floating ships which looked a bit like green coat hangers. Cooler than they sound, trust me. The aliens are just as ruthless and relentless as Wells intended, however, bringing destruction to the world with their unstoppable and diabolical death rays. Is there any other kind?

Steven Spielberg brought his own considerable talents to the story in 2005, also straying from Wells’ original, but this first attempt still stands as a spectacular piece of science fiction from an earlier age of fantastic cinema.

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3. Invasion of the Body Snatchers

1978

Jack Finney’s original novel The Body Snatchers has been filmed a total of four times, with several looser adaptations along the way, but Philip Kaufman’s version is by far the best. A dark, brooding exercise in paranoia, Kaufman squeezes every last drop of fear and melancholy from Finney’s source material. As aliens invade us by the simple act of becoming us and disposing of us while we sleep, Donald Sutherland and a small group of survivors struggle to find a way out, the odds against them increasing by the hour. You don’t have to be a narrative expert to know it’s not going to end well.

As if the premise itself isn’t scary enough, Invasion of the Body Snatchers is filled with macabre imaginary. Look out for the dog. And the closing scene will stay with you for a long time.

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2. The Day the Earth Stood Still

1951

The Day the Earth Stood Still is possibly the first great alien invasion movie, rising above the B-movie fare of its time with a premise and an agenda that demands to be taken a little more seriously. When a flying saucer lands in President’s Park, Washington, the sole occupant, a man called Klaatu, emerges and tells the people of Earth that unless they mend their violent ways they will be eliminated. Backing him up is a big-ass robot called Gort. This is an alien who hasn’t come to kick our ass. He’s come to spank it.

Smarter than the average invasion movie, The Day the Earth Stood Still was remade to disastrous effect in 2008 with Keanu Reeves. Believe it or not, he didn’t play the robot.

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1. The Thing

1982

John Carpenter’s remake of Howard Hawks’ The Thing from Another World is essentially a more faithful adaptation of the original source material, the short story Who Goes There? by John W. Campbell, Jr. Similar in theme to Invasion of the Body Snatchers, the alien invader is an organism which can overcome and imitate anyone. Infiltrating an American research station in the Antarctic, the alien picks off the 10-man team, one-by-one, leaving the survivors mistrustful and increasingly paranoid. Featuring some of the best live-action special effects ever seen, The Thing is a complete master class in taught, streamlined storytelling.

How next year’s prequel will measure up to this classic remains to be seen, but it will have to work hard. Other attempts to remake Carpenter have left expectations on the floor.

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