Tag Archives: The Expendables

The 2010 Celluloid Zombie Awards

And you thought the award season was over. Not so. On the last day of 2010, I’ve decided to hand out a small series of prestige awards to some of the most notable people, events and movies of the industry year. Trust me, the Oscars will be cleared from the shelves to make room for these babies. Probably.

Welcome to the Celluloid Zombie Awards 2010!

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The Tina Turner Award for Sticking It To Your Ex

Kathryn Bigelow

After years of being ignored by Oscar, watching ex-husband James Cameron win enough of them to form a small army with Titanic, Kathryn Bigelow finally enjoyed some sweet times when The Hurt Locker beat Cameron’s Avatar to both the Best Picture and Best Director awards, at the Oscars and the BAFTAS. Both Academies enjoyed a rare moment of sense and sagacity in choosing  Bigelow, who became the first woman to win the Best Director action figure in the Oscar’s history. Well done, Kathryn. Have another golden paper-weight for the shelf.

No doubt the Oscars will resume normal service in 2011 and hand Best Picture to Transformers 3. Meanwhile, James Cameron is lobbying the Academy for the introduction of a Best Expensive Cartoon With Blue People In It category, in the hopes of a sure-fire win with Avatar 2.

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The Keanu Reeves Award for Disastrous Casting

The Beaver

Poor Jodie Foster. For her third movie as director, Foster turned to wacky Mel Gibson to play the depressed Toy Company CEO who begins communicating through a hand-puppet. With shooting completed and a 2010 release date set, Gibson promptly, and very publicly, imploded. He decided to start communicating through an answer machine and single-handedly made himself the most unpopular actor since Fatty Arbuckle. Since this could spell death for the project, Summit Entertainment promptly pulled The Beaver’s release date, putting the movie ‘in a holding pattern’ in the hopes that the smell around Mel would waft away. At the time of writing, Summit Entertainment have tentatively announced a release date of Spring 2011 for The Beaver, no doubt hoping that Gibson can keep his mouth shut for the next three or four months. Foster must be wishing she’d dialled Harrison Ford.

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The Stephen Sommers Award for Screwing Up a Good Idea

The Expendables

Bring together all the biggest names of action cinema from the last thirty years for a single movie and you have a sure thing, right? Wrong. Stallone’s attempt to create the ultimate action movie merely proved to be a successful exercise in exhuming the decomposing careers of several stars only to shoot them in the head and re-bury them. Just making sure they were really dead, I guess. Unintentionally the worst zombie movie ever made. I’m tempted to change this site’s name to Celluloid Expendable.

The script was apparently written by a child and several action stars all wanting to get their fair bite of the cherry. The dialogue is head-in-hands dreadful, with such cracking lines as, “We are the shadow, the smoke in your eyes, the ghosts that hide in the night”. Stallone says this just before running around shouting and blowing shit up. Because that’s what shadows do.

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The J.J. Abrams Award for Making Television Watchable

The Walking Dead

Zombie movies have long been a genre all their own, with the undead lurching around the cinemas of the world for decades (and in my town that’s just the audience). This year, however, the disease spread beyond the multiplexes and those wacky walking corpses finally got their own TV show, care of Frank Darabont and TV channel AMC.

Based on a comic book (let’s face it, what isn’t based on a comic book these days), The Walking Dead’s tale of survivors in a post-zombified America aired to record numbers despite being the shortest season for a TV show since Joss Whedon last announced a project. However, the success of The Walking Dead guaranteed a second season, scheduled to air October 2011, which is an eternity for those of us ravenous for more than the taster offered by a paltry six episodes.

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The Darth Vader Award for Making a Memorable Entrance

Chloe Moretz

Forget the Chinese Tiger, 2010 was The Year of the Chloe Moretz. The young actress has been around for a little while, but this was the year when Moretz truly entered the radars of movie-goers everywhere. With engaging turns in no less than three acclaimed movies in 2010 (Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Kick-Ass and Let Me In) I was almost considering her for The Award for Attempting to Appear in Every Movie Made.

However, it’s for Moretz’s first appearance in costume as Hit Girl in Kick-Ass that Chloe wins her Celluloid Zombie Award. Let’s face it, a 10-year-old girl with purple hair acrobatically carving up a roomful of drug-dealers makes for a memorable enough scene. But give her the line, “Okay, you c**ts, let’s see what you can do now”, and you have a jaw-dropping moment of gleefully irresponsible cinema fun.

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The Dante Alighieri Award for Burning in Development Hell

The Hobbit

Peter Jackson’s prequel to Lord of the Rings started 2010 with Jackson as Producer and Guillermo Del Toro as Director. Ian McKellen (Gandalf) had indicated that shooting would start in July, which was put on hold when MGM’s financial troubles hit the project. Del Toro then quit and rumours began circulating about who would replace him. Jackson began casting in July but this hit a snag when several actors unions urged clients to boycott the film due to contract issues. The movie was officially green-lit in October, the union troubles were resolved but ill-feeling from negotiations with the New Zealand Government left The Hobbit looking to relocate. This was solved, leaving the project back where it started, except with Jackson now down to direct. Casting has continued through the rest of the year and it’s starting to look like The Hobbit might have survived its year in Hell. There and back again, indeed.

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Honourary Award for Being My Son’s Favourite Movie of 2010

Scott Pilgrim vs The World

Edgar Wright’s third feature under-performed at the box office, but was still one of the most energetic and imaginative movies of the year. It’s here, however, because it’s at the top of my son’s list. And in the slim hope that he’ll let me off for putting it 6th in my own list.

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31-Day Movie Meme. In 1 Day.

This is a Meme that has been doing the movie blog rounds. Okay, it’s supposed to be drawn out over 31 days but, partially because I don’t have the time and partially because I’m like a kid on Christmas morning who wants to open all his presents right now, I’m going to do this in one swoop. Join in!

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DAY 1: A SEQUEL THAT SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN MADE

Saw II.

That, and every subsequent Saw movie. The first one was clever, chilling and well executed. The rest have been a steady plopping of tedious, repetitive turds.

DAY 2: A MOVIE MORE PEOPLE SHOULD SEE

The Corporation.

Everyone should see it. A documentary scarier than any horror movie.

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DAY 3: FAVOURITE OSCAR-NOMINATED MOVIE FROM THE MOST RECENT BALLOT

Up in the Air.

One of the best movies of the year.

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DAY 4: A MOVIE THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH EVERY TIME

Withnail and I.

“We’ve gone on holiday by mistake.”

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DAY 5: A MOVIE THAT YOU LOATHE

Van Helsing.

A travesty. Stephen Sommers manages to piss on every classic Universal monster in one movie. Not even Kate Beckinsale in tight leather can save this abomination.

DAY 6: A MOVIE THAT MAKES YOU CRY EVERY TIME

V For Vendetta.

Valerie’s story, written for Natalie Portman to find in her cell, gets me every time.

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DAY 7: LEAST FAVOURITE MOVIE BY A FAVOURITE ACTOR

America’s Sweethearts.

What was John Cusack thinking?

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DAY 8: A MOVIE THAT SHOULD BE REQUIRED HIGH SCHOOL VIEWING

Battle Royale.

This is what we have in mind for you, you little bastards.

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DAY 9: BEST SCENE EVER

Raiders of the Lost Ark.

:-P The opening scene. Spiders, Golden idol, rolling boulder, Alfred Molina and Spielberg doing what he does best.


DAY 10: A MOVIE YOU NEVER EXPECTED TO LIKE BUT LOVED

Sherlock Holmes. I’m a big Sherlock Holmes fan so I was sceptical about Downey Jr. (who looks nothing like the character) and Guy Ritchie (who hadn’t made a movie I liked until this) doing a decent job of this. Kudos to them for making it work and capturing the spirit of stories.

DAY 11: A MOVIE THAT DISAPPOINTED YOU

The Expendables.

Big disappointment, and I wasn’t even expecting that much. Jeez.

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DAY 12: BEST SOUNDTRACK/BACKGROUND MUSIC IN A SCENE

Kick-Ass.

The Banana Splits theme (Tra La La song) playing while 10 year-old Hit Girl slices up a roomful of bad guys. Laughed my ass off!

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DAY 13: FAVOURITE ANIMATED MOVIE

Ratatouille.

I never imagined a story about a rat who loves cooking could be so utterly enjoyable.

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DAY 14: FAVOURITE FILM IN BLACK AND WHITE

Goodnight and Good Luck.

Clooney’s second movie looked to the past to comment on the present. Brilliant.

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DAY 15: BEST MUSICAL

Once.

Not sure if it really qualifies as a musical or not. But I loved it.

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DAY 16: YOUR GUILTY PLEASURE MOVIE

Charlie’s Angels.

Shut up.

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DAY 17: FAVOURITE SERIES OF RELATED MOVIES

The Bourne trilogy.

The only franchise that gets better with each movie.

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DAY 18: FAVOURITE TITLE SEQUENCE

Se7en.

See my last post for more details.

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DAY 19: BEST MOVIE CAST

Wonder Boys.

Michael Douglas, Robert Downey Jr. and Frances McDormand for a start. Yum.

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DAY 20: FAVOURITE KISS

Spider-man.

The upside-down kiss in the rain. Makes me want to pull on my tight spandex.

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DAY 21: FAVOURITE ROMANTIC COUPLE

The Fisher King.

Robin Williams and Amanda Plummer. Awwww.

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DAY 22: FAVOURITE FINAL SCENE/LINE

The Godfather: Part III.

Michael Corleone dies alone and tortured by the life he royally screwed up.

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DAY 23: BEST EXPLOSION/ACTION SEQUENCE

The Matrix.

The lobby shoot-out scene, which probably would have been three minutes shorter in normal speed.

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DAY 24: QUOTE YOU USE MOST OFTEN

The Big Lebowski.

“Lotta strands in ol’ duder’s head.”

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DAY 25: A MOVIE YOU PLAN ON WATCHING

Inception.

Still haven’t seen it and it’s getting harder and harder to avoid the spoilers.

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DAY 26: FREAKISHLY WEIRD MOVIE ENDING

Memento.

The ending is at the beginning. But…but…but….

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DAY 27: BEST VILLAIN

The Joker.

Heath Ledger nails the iconic character.  And, no, it’s not a sympathy vote.

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DAY 28: MOST OVER-HYPED MOVIE

Avatar.

Dances with Pixels. In 3D. Yay.

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DAY 29: MOVIE YOU HAVE WATCHED MORE THAN TEN TIMES

Jaws.

Never gets boring. Never. Not ever. And never will. Amen.

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DAY 30: SADDEST DEATH SCENE

Million Dollar Baby.

So utterly, uncompromisingly sad that even Clint Eastwood cries. I don’t stand a chance.

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DAY 31: SCENE THAT MADE YOU STAND UP AND CHEER

The Contender.

Joan Allen’s courageous Senator Hanson finally sticks it to Republican puritan Shelley Runyon (Gary Oldman) and becomes Vice President. Yay!